Init

“Hello, World!”

With this mandatory first statement out of the way I would like to first give some insight on the purpose, reasoning and goals behind this blog.

Originally I intended this to be a canvas for my self-loathing. A black hole to pour all my doubts, fears, grief and self-pity into.

This was on my mind when I created this blog.

This was on my mind when I spent a little over one Sunday morning hacking together this site. Being somewhat new to most of the technical aspects of this I spent some time reading documentation, understanding the basics and deploying the empty blog. I gave it a cringey title, I created an even cringier “about” page and then it sat there. Accessable via the vastness of the internet.

I vowed to fill it with my darkest thoughts and, as one does, first went on a coffee break.

But after this initial break, I could not bring myself to start writing. I sat there, staring at the blank editor page, inhabited only by a blank title header and a demanding, yet unmoving cursor.

I pushed the whole idea into the back of my mind and started doing something else. After all, the work was done, the first stone set. Surely my dark thoughts, my fear, my hatred would still be there in a few hours or days. Ready to make a grand appearance on a blog page I was sure nobody would want to read and which I intended to create solely for myself anyways.

And eventually something changed. Mainly due to the fact, that I care more than I might want to admit for how others, even strangers, perceive me, I hesitated. I visualized, like I do way to often, how others might react to what I would write. More importantly, I visualized how other might perceive me for what I would write. And this self-conciousness, which in other aspects of my life is so often detrimental to me being myself started me on a path of self-reflection.

As a healthy adult it is my own responsibility to feel happy. To feel good about myself. To reflect upon what I feel by realizing that it is me feeling it, not something or someone else causing this feeling. My mood, my feelings, even my self-image might be influenced by outside influences. But in the end they are a result of me and therefor I have the power to choose how to react to these influences.

This all might sound just as cringey as what I originally intended to write instead. I am even convinced it sounds corny and cliché. And to most, this is nothing new. No grand revelation formerly unheard of. No great epiphany worth sharing. And even to me, this was nothing new. But it was something I had lost. It was something I had forgotten. And it was something I had to remember.

For me to be happy, I don’t have to try and control every outside influence on my life. I don’t have to control how other perceive me. I have to focus on me and my self-worth a little more.

So, what do I need this blog for then?

My plan is to write down achievements. Most small, some big. To write down things I am proud of, interested in. Things that bring me joy and make me happy. Things that I can look back on and realize that maybe I might actually have reason to feel good about myself and who I am.

Either this or shitposting memes….

– cheers